The air around me still feels like a cage

FOR Daily Prompt: Can’t Drive 55

You may not be boundd physically but mentally and emotionally you are chained. You can be caught in memories, emotions, struggles or past life events. Each thing hold you back from the person you have the potential to become. It keeps you pinned down to your past and prevents you from moving forward. I can not imply that I know your life story, but I can say I know the feeling of being caged. I am at the moment feel trapped by emotions, memories and the fear of moving forward and letting go.

The future of those who feel trapped by something seems to be so distant it seems impossible to reach. We feel as if we are not able to escape or let go of what hurts us. If it is a person that makes you feel trapped, chances are they are very dear to you and you feel as if they know you better than anyone else. A person like that may be just what you need to stop feeling changed. ‘How could someone who hurts me make things better?’ you ask, it’s rather simple. That person knows you better than you know yourself and they want to help you. Imagine it from this perspective  they see you chained and bound to your past but they do not realize it is them that is keeping you there. They are trying to help you overcome it. When they are blinded of the situation it makes you a stronger person because they encourage you to overcome many obstacles at once instead of just one problem.

I have learnt from many past experiences that being held back does not lead you anywhere. It is quite obvious and a very realistic expectation. I am currently facing the struggle of feeling trapped but I am allowing myself to experience things that he who made me a victim would not want me to do. I rebel against the one who I love the most and the one who knows me better than I know myself. I can not encourage it enough that you have to allow yourself to move forward. Moving forward is scary and can mean a lot of pain, but it will be okay. It’s time to let go of everything that causes you pain. No one can help you if you refuse to help yourself.

The song that these lyrics came from is Snuff by Slipknot. I feel exactly the way the song describes. I only wish that they weren’t my friend that way I could hurt them in the end.


Emotional pain

I felt the urge to post something today because of the issues I’m currently dealing with. This is mostly just me ranting and complaining. I apologize for the negativity, beforehand. I am deeply in need of this though.

I didn’t know how much pain a person could feel emotionally until these past few days. Anger, hatred, vulgarity, sadness, confusion, hope, despair. It’s like everytime the one thing that I want to happen the most ends up happening and I mess everything up. Just to give you a little more insight, I am in a deep pile of trouble with s friend who will remain anonymous for his sake, we shall call him Ray. I’ve always liked Ray and he’s never liked me. We have our normal moments, but we also have the worst fights. The fighting makes me very self-conflicted. My emotional state starts to deteriorate. Tonight we were talking and I decided to be honest with him, because I needed to get it off my chest because it was hurting me. Ray sent me a voicemail back in June, just telling me I was gonna be okay, because I was very upset. I saved the voicemail every week until I was sending it to my other phone and I accidentally dialed the 7 which deleted it. I asked him to do it again and he refused. That message that he left made me feel safe if I was scared, happy if I was sad and warm if I was lonely. It got me through a lot of things and now I’m feeling broken because I don’t have it anymore when I cry.

I don’t understand how God or whoever is in charge could do this. He loves us and has a plan, but how is having someone hurt us and making us cry almost every week part of our plan. I don’t know what I believe in but this has got to be a joke.

I am just so mentally drained and so unstable. I can’t sleep and I can’t think straight. I just feel so lost at the moment. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Prayers don’t work, and neither does talking it out or even just talking to Someone. I just want this pain and suffering to end.

Ray, if you’re reading this…you know exactly who you are. Can you just stop it and listen to me? Let me say everything because if I don’t things will only get worse. I know its hurting you but it’s killing me. Just listen to everything I’m not saying. I hate the way you know exactly how to make me cry and yet you don’t want to see me hurt. Thanks for the heartache.