I felt the urge to post something today because of the issues I’m currently dealing with. This is mostly just me ranting and complaining. I apologize for the negativity, beforehand. I am deeply in need of this though.
I didn’t know how much pain a person could feel emotionally until these past few days. Anger, hatred, vulgarity, sadness, confusion, hope, despair. It’s like everytime the one thing that I want to happen the most ends up happening and I mess everything up. Just to give you a little more insight, I am in a deep pile of trouble with s friend who will remain anonymous for his sake, we shall call him Ray. I’ve always liked Ray and he’s never liked me. We have our normal moments, but we also have the worst fights. The fighting makes me very self-conflicted. My emotional state starts to deteriorate. Tonight we were talking and I decided to be honest with him, because I needed to get it off my chest because it was hurting me. Ray sent me a voicemail back in June, just telling me I was gonna be okay, because I was very upset. I saved the voicemail every week until I was sending it to my other phone and I accidentally dialed the 7 which deleted it. I asked him to do it again and he refused. That message that he left made me feel safe if I was scared, happy if I was sad and warm if I was lonely. It got me through a lot of things and now I’m feeling broken because I don’t have it anymore when I cry.
I don’t understand how God or whoever is in charge could do this. He loves us and has a plan, but how is having someone hurt us and making us cry almost every week part of our plan. I don’t know what I believe in but this has got to be a joke.
I am just so mentally drained and so unstable. I can’t sleep and I can’t think straight. I just feel so lost at the moment. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Prayers don’t work, and neither does talking it out or even just talking to Someone. I just want this pain and suffering to end.
Ray, if you’re reading this…you know exactly who you are. Can you just stop it and listen to me? Let me say everything because if I don’t things will only get worse. I know its hurting you but it’s killing me. Just listen to everything I’m not saying. I hate the way you know exactly how to make me cry and yet you don’t want to see me hurt. Thanks for the heartache.
From fetus to death, one of the things we are taught is love. Love the people who make you smile, love the life you live, love everything and everything around you. When we grow to be 10 or older, we see things from a different perspective. We see the violence, hate, discrimination and terrible things. We discover that life isn’t always sunshine and rainbows. When we see these things we learn to make a decision between “right and wrong” or “good and bad”. I, personally, do not believe that there is a right or wrong decision. Because what I think is right, may be wrong in society. From that stand point I think it is safe to say that my inner vouce or inner self, is rather quite stubborn. Anyways, I wanted to address something, I feel most teenagers and some adults struggle with.
We all have an inner voice or inner self that only we know. Our inner self is the person we truly are. It expresses our true opinions, our values and our emotions. Have you ever been in a situation where perhaps a friend says “I like the band so-and-so!Don’t you just love them?” And naturally our response is “yeah”, but on the inside you are really just screaming and running around like a chicken with his head cut off because you really don’t like that band. That screaming and running is done but your inner self. Now maybe that’s never happened to you. Maybe I sound crazy, so if that’s what you’re thinking feel free to click off or continue reading if you are still with me.
Growing up I never felt like I had a voice or a say in my parents decisions or sometimes even in my own. If there was a family issue where my parents were arguing with other family members I would always feel as if I needed to send a quick email explaining that what was going on was hurting me too.
I’m not gonna tell you how to overcome thus stuff or what to do because I really don’t know myself. I will however let you know when I find out. I’m just here to let you know you aren’t alone and feel free to email me to tell me what’s going on if you are feeling the same way. Maybe we can find a solution together