I felt the urge to post something today because of the issues I’m currently dealing with. This is mostly just me ranting and complaining. I apologize for the negativity, beforehand. I am deeply in need of this though.
I didn’t know how much pain a person could feel emotionally until these past few days. Anger, hatred, vulgarity, sadness, confusion, hope, despair. It’s like everytime the one thing that I want to happen the most ends up happening and I mess everything up. Just to give you a little more insight, I am in a deep pile of trouble with s friend who will remain anonymous for his sake, we shall call him Ray. I’ve always liked Ray and he’s never liked me. We have our normal moments, but we also have the worst fights. The fighting makes me very self-conflicted. My emotional state starts to deteriorate. Tonight we were talking and I decided to be honest with him, because I needed to get it off my chest because it was hurting me. Ray sent me a voicemail back in June, just telling me I was gonna be okay, because I was very upset. I saved the voicemail every week until I was sending it to my other phone and I accidentally dialed the 7 which deleted it. I asked him to do it again and he refused. That message that he left made me feel safe if I was scared, happy if I was sad and warm if I was lonely. It got me through a lot of things and now I’m feeling broken because I don’t have it anymore when I cry.
I don’t understand how God or whoever is in charge could do this. He loves us and has a plan, but how is having someone hurt us and making us cry almost every week part of our plan. I don’t know what I believe in but this has got to be a joke.
I am just so mentally drained and so unstable. I can’t sleep and I can’t think straight. I just feel so lost at the moment. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Prayers don’t work, and neither does talking it out or even just talking to Someone. I just want this pain and suffering to end.
Ray, if you’re reading this…you know exactly who you are. Can you just stop it and listen to me? Let me say everything because if I don’t things will only get worse. I know its hurting you but it’s killing me. Just listen to everything I’m not saying. I hate the way you know exactly how to make me cry and yet you don’t want to see me hurt. Thanks for the heartache.